Trigger Warning: Suicide
I haven't felt like I wanted to kill myself for a long until now. It's always because of one thing, it's always my parents.
I feel suffocated, helpless, at fault, guilty, mad, all at the same time.
Sometimes I'm strong of the opinion that I should've felt more affection, because I'm the only one they have to give it, too, but yet it lacks, and I can't do anything but deal with it, and understand where they're coming from.
I feel sad when they don't listen to me, when they clearly didn't understand nor absorb anything I said. I feel invisible whenever they just talk to each other and leave out of the conversation, but I can't do anything, and I just have to suck it up. If I say something, I'm too dramatic, I'm too whiney, I'm disrespectful.
I always just bite my lips, and think about how they built our lives, they did their best, how they loved me the way they know how. I feel guilty that I felt sad, and I feel selfish, and I just wanted to kill myself. It feels like feeling sad is never right, but why have I been crying every time? But then, I'd think that if I kill myself, I'd be so evil I'll leave them two alone.
I was sad as a child. I was sad as a teenager. I am sad now.
My boyfriend says I need to see a therapist. While I do agree, I'm afraid how it'd affect my relationship with my parents. It's not even strong now, how else is it going to go?
If you like, you can reach me at ocs.giuliaromeo@hotmail.com